if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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