I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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