Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
