I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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