i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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