The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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