my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
