The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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