We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
