Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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