yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
