Jerry, you need to find god
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
