listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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