I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
