I want to have your abortion
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
