At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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