i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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