420 ftw
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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