The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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