My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
