I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
