I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
