She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
