It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
