Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
