i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You took a bar mat shot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
