It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
don't judge my taste in strippers
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
