Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
