did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
