just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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