he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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