Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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