I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
