Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(231): View more from Michigan

My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me

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(817): View more from Texas

So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.

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(801): View more from Utah

Why is your solution always to masturbate

(1-801): View more from Utah

Because it usually works

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(775): View more from Nevada

He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.

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