We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
