apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
