Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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