The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
bring money and cleavage
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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