she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
