you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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