Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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