so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
