He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We're too hungover to prance.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
