Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
