So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
