i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
