Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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