Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
