I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
