Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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