I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I have fence marks all over my body
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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