i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
