You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
