I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Still dying that you shit outside
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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